Tag Archives: love

My Body Knew Before My Mind

After waiting for years for my ex to return, I finally let go and moved on with my life about a year ago. During that time, I discovered a new version of myself—stronger, more aware, and more in touch with who I am. I had spent so much time longing for him, waiting for closure that never came. He had left me hanging, unresolved, with no explanation. But in that year of waiting and growing, I learned more about myself than I ever expected.

Then, one day, he returned. He said all the familiar things and tried to pull me back into the romantic fantasy I once lived in. At first, I felt confused. The part of me that had longed for closure saw his return as validation, as though everything I’d waited for was finally coming to pass. But something in me had changed—something I hadn’t fully realized until I stood in front of him again.

The Overpowering Scent: A Signal from My Body

The first thing I noticed when we met again wasn’t the sound of his voice or the familiar way he spoke. It was his scent. The moment it hit me, I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me. The scent, which had once been so comforting and familiar, now felt suffocating. I felt trapped by it, like I couldn’t breathe properly. My body was rejecting the smell, even though my mind was still processing the situation.

I had once associated his scent with warmth, safety, and romance. But now, it was as if my body was telling me to get away, to avoid something that no longer felt right. I held my breath, trying to push through the discomfort, but it was impossible to ignore. It was as though my body had already processed what my mind was struggling to accept: that the relationship, and the person standing in front of me, no longer fit into my life.

Dr. Rachel Herz, a leading researcher in the psychology of scent, has long studied how smell is tied to emotional memory. She explains that smells can instantly transport us to past experiences, for better or worse. In this case, my body was signaling that my emotional connection to him was gone. The scent, rather than evoking the love and comfort I once felt, was triggering discomfort and anxiety—a clear sign that something was wrong.

Romantic Gestures Wrapped in a Suffocating Cloud

He handed me 24 red roses—just like he used to when we were together. Normally, I would have felt joy and warmth from this gesture, but instead, I felt nothing but unease. The flowers had a scent that added to the overwhelming feeling. Rather than enjoying the gesture, I felt disconnected from it. The scent of the roses mixed with his own made me feel like I was being pulled into something that no longer aligned with who I had become.

It became clear that my body was reacting to more than just the physical scent—it was reacting to the emotional distance that now existed between us. The once-pleasant smells now felt heavy, almost like they were a reminder of the unresolved feelings and tension I had left behind.

Scent as a Warning: What My Body Knew

Looking back, I now understand that my body was warning me before my mind could fully grasp what was happening. As Dr. Antonio Damasio has noted in his research on emotions and decision-making, our bodies often respond to emotional stimuli before we become fully conscious of those emotions. My physical reaction to his scent was my subconscious trying to alert me to a deeper truth: I had changed, and the relationship no longer made sense.

This discomfort wasn’t just about smell—it was about my body’s response to the emotional disconnection. Our bodies often signal to us when something is wrong, and scent, being so closely tied to memory and emotion, is one of the most powerful ways this happens. My body was rejecting the scent as it rejected the emotional ties that once existed between us.


The Body’s Role in Self-Realization

In that moment, I realized how much I had grown. The scent, which had once symbolized love and safety, was now a clear signal that I had moved beyond the relationship. I wasn’t the same person who had waited for him, longed for him, or built fantasies around his return. The emotional ties had dissolved, and my body’s response—through scent and discomfort—was proof that I had let go.

The roses, the hugs, the scent—they were all reminders of the past, but they no longer held the same meaning. My body had moved on, and it was time for my mind to accept that truth.


Trusting My Body’s Wisdom

In the end, it was clear: my body knew I had moved on long before my mind was ready to accept it. The overpowering scent was more than just an unpleasant experience—it was a signal from my body, warning me that something was off. My body had already processed the emotional disconnection, and the discomfort I felt was my intuition guiding me toward the truth.

Science shows that scent is intimately tied to emotional memory, and when our bodies react negatively to a smell that was once comforting, it can be a sign that we’ve outgrown the emotional attachment that came with it. My body’s wisdom led me to the realization that I had moved on, and it gave me the clarity I needed to embrace the next chapter of my life, free from the past.

References

•   Herz, R. S. (2007). The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell. William Morrow.
•   Damasio, A. (1999). The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness. Harcourt Brace.
•   Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
•   Boss, P. (2006). Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss. W.W. Norton & Company.

Love Beyond Illusion

The human mind has evolved significantly over the centuries. Once, martyrdom was seen as the ultimate expression of love, a virtue extolled by religious teachings that emphasized the importance of sacrifice in the name of love. These teachings have shaped our understanding of love, leading many to believe that true love requires selflessness to the point of self-destruction. However, as our understanding of psychology and human behavior has deepened, we’ve come to realize that love is far more complex than mere sacrifice.

Love is not just an emotion that wells up from the heart, as we are often led to believe. It is a biological and psychological phenomenon, influenced by a range of factors including our upbringing, experiences, and even neurochemical processes. This modern understanding of love requires us to rethink the narratives we’ve been taught, particularly in relationships where the balance of power is skewed, such as those involving a narcissist.

When love becomes entangled with manipulation and control, it ceases to be love in the truest sense. Instead, it can become a tool for the narcissist to exploit their partner’s willingness to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. This distorted version of love can keep a person trapped in an unhealthy dynamic, believing that their suffering is a necessary part of being in love. This is why acknowledging the reality of a narcissistic relationship is so crucial—it’s the first step towards breaking free from these damaging beliefs and beginning the healing process.

Understanding the Narcissistic Relationship Dynamic

Narcissistic relationships are often characterized by a cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discarding. At the beginning, the narcissist may shower you with attention, admiration, and love—this is the idealization phase, where everything seems perfect. However, this phase is typically short-lived, and as the relationship progresses, the narcissist begins to devalue you, often through subtle or overt criticism, manipulation, and control. The final stage, discarding, can happen suddenly and without warning, leaving you feeling confused and devastated.

Throughout this cycle, narcissists use manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, where they make you doubt your perceptions, feelings, and even your sanity. This psychological manipulation can make it incredibly challenging to see the reality of the situation, as you may begin to internalize their negative judgments and question your own worth.

The Illusion of the “Perfect” Relationship

One of the most insidious aspects of a narcissistic relationship is the illusion of perfection that the narcissist creates, especially in the beginning. You may have been led to believe that you were in a dream relationship, with a partner who was charming, attentive, and deeply in love with you. This illusion can be hard to let go of, particularly if you have invested emotionally and envisioned a future with this person.

Acknowledging the reality means accepting that this “perfect” relationship was never real. It was a facade created by the narcissist to secure your affection and control over you. Understanding that the initial idealization was a form of manipulation, rather than genuine love, is a critical step in breaking the emotional attachment to the narcissist.

Facing the Painful Truth

Recognizing the true nature of a narcissistic relationship is painful. It involves admitting that you were subjected to emotional abuse and manipulation. This realization can bring up a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, shame, and even guilt for not recognizing the signs sooner. However, it’s important to remember that narcissists are highly skilled at deception, and their behavior is designed to confuse and control.

As difficult as it may be, facing these painful truths is necessary for healing. Denying or minimizing the reality of what happened will only prolong the pain and keep you trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and confusion. By acknowledging the reality, you take the first step towards reclaiming your power and beginning the healing process.

The Power of Validation

One of the most empowering aspects of acknowledging the reality of a narcissistic relationship is the validation it brings. When you can name the behaviors and recognize them for what they are—manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse—you begin to regain your sense of self. Understanding that your feelings and perceptions were valid all along can be incredibly liberating.

Validation can come from various sources, such as reading about narcissistic abuse, talking to a therapist, or connecting with others who have had similar experiences. Surrounding yourself with people who believe and support you is crucial during this time. They can help reinforce your understanding of the relationship and remind you that you are not alone in your experience.

Moving Forward

Acknowledging the reality of a narcissistic relationship is just the beginning of the healing journey, but it is a vital step that lays the foundation for everything that follows. Once you have accepted the truth, you can begin to focus on rebuilding your life, setting healthy boundaries, and ultimately moving towards a future where you are free from the toxic influence of the narcissist.

As you move forward, remember to be patient and compassionate with yourself. Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time, and there will be ups and downs along the way. But with each step you take, you are reclaiming your life and rediscovering your true self—stronger, wiser, and more resilient than before.

In conclusion, acknowledging the reality of a narcissistic relationship is the first and most essential step in the healing process. It allows you to break free from the manipulative hold of the narcissist, validate your own experiences, and begin the journey towards recovery and self-empowerment. As our understanding of love continues to evolve, so too must our approach to relationships—recognizing that true love is not about sacrifice to the point of self-destruction, but about mutual respect, understanding, and growth.